Daily joke

[Vendingwarehouse]

I stayed in a hotel the other night and was just lying on the bed rooting through the side table draws when I found a bible. I opened the first page and this little note fell out.

It read: "My son, if you are troubled by the demons of alcohol and seek help in your dire hour of need, you can always call on me for your aid and I will be there to ease your pain and anguish. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call me and I will gladly listen to your temptations and be as supportive as possible."

Close to tears, I picked up the phone and the guy answered, "Hello, Bob's off license!"

[Vendingwarehouse]

Dear Mr. Advice,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

[madeira7]

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man an Accountant,
the third a Chemist, and
the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.......
screwed the other three cats........
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation................
and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[Vendingwarehouse]

A kid is on the kitchen floor playing with his new train while his mother cooks dinner. He goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you mother fuckers getting on get on, all you mother fuckers getting off get off!” His mother stands there in shock not believing what she just heard. She decides to wait a few minutes and see what happens. Sure enough the kid goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you mother fuckers getting on get on, all you mother fuckers getting off get off!” His mother quickly yanks the little boy up by the arm an explains to him that “ Son we do not know any mother fuckers, all we know are nice people. Now you go to your room and think about what you have done.” The little boy runs crying off to his room and shuts the door.

About two hours later the little boys’ mother comes to his room and asks him if he has learned his lesson. “ Yes mama, all we know is nice people, “ he explains. “ That’s right son, now you can play with your train now”.

The little kid goes back into the kitchen and sits down to play with his train. He goes around the track once, twice then stops. He then announces “ All you nice people getting on get on, all you nice people getting off get off, and all you mother fuckers worried about the two hour delay go see the ***** in the kitchen”

[Vendingwarehouse]

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the ******* that pushed me in!’

[Vendingwarehouse]

A blonde made several attempts to sell her car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 360,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a pub.

The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.”

“That doesn't matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

“Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde, “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the mileage counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

A few days later, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”

“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I when It’s only got 40,000 miles on the clock?”

[Vendingwarehouse]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Vendingwarehouse]

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.

They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter.

[Vendingwarehouse]

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

[Coin Operated Group]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget.